Jeremy and Christina
There was never any question that Jeremy and Christina's relationship was as tumultuous as it was passionate. My client Christina described it a cross between love and addiction. Trying to work out which part was love and which part was addiction was always the challenge. The relationship had begun intensely and quickly. Within weeks Jeremy was talking about a future together. For Christina, Jeremy encapsulated everything she was looking for in a man. He was intelligent, good-looking and very charming. No, his name wasn't Fabio, and no, this wasn't a Mills and Boon novel. For Christina, this was the real thing.
At the 6 month mark everything was going extremely well. There were a few issues, but nothing that would be considered out of the ordinary. Late one afternoon Jeremy left a message on her answering machine to say he needed to talk. When Christina called him Jeremy's tone immediately alerted her to the fact something was wrong. He sounded like a different person. He proceeded to tell Christina that he had been having doubts about their relationship for the last couple of weeks and that he felt he wasn't ready to commit to anything at the moment. He said he needed a break and time out to think. This was a proverbial bolt out of the blue, or perhaps a stake through the heart might be a better description.
Whilst inwardly she was completely distraught Christina took a very adult approach and told him to take the time he needed. After almost no communication for a week, Christina decided to enquire through a mutual acquaintance about Jeremy. To her horror, she found out Jeremy was dating someone else. Her whole world simply shattered around her. It simply didn't add up. How could a man talking about marriage and a future two weeks ago, be dating someone else within a week? Did he really mean anything he said? Was this the Jeremy she knew and cared for just some kind of fiction?
After a period of fairly distant text messages and short phone conversations over the next month Jeremy suddenly returned onto the scene. He asked Christina if they could give it another go and explained that he had simply panicked at how quickly things were moving. While Christina was very wary she couldn't help the fact she was still very much in love with Jeremy. She agreed to give it another go.
The next year of their relationship was a roller coaster ride. Jeremy was never fully open about his feelings the way he was at the beginning of the relationship. Christina felt that Jeremy was hiding a secret emotional world which was always just out of reach. When Christina would try and get Jeremy to open up, massive arguments would ensue. Even small things could cause an explosion. Christina was a strong and direct person. For Christina, she knew what she felt and knew how to say it. Jeremy on the other hand simply refused to communicate. Either he was too tired, or too stressed or simply point blank refused to talk about any disagreements. They had been together for 1 and a half years, but Christina felt that more often she was hitting her head against a brick wall. Sometimes she wasn't sure whether she loved or hated Jeremy. At this point Christina called me.
The response
When I first read for Christina I knew straight away that the central problem was trust. Christina and Jeremy simply didn't trust each other any more, and each believed in their own way that the other was responsible. From Christina's perspective Jeremy's affair with the other woman and his subsequent lack of emotional openness was the reason for the lack of trust. Yet, Christina had never really stopped to ask the question, does Jeremy really trust me? Christina was loyal and always very honest about the way she felt. Christina assumed that Jeremy's lack of openness was due to his doubts about his commitment to the relationship.
This wasn't really the cause of the problem. I had no doubt Jeremy wanted to be in the relationship. He would have gone a long time ago if this wasn't the case . Jeremy's lack of openness was caused by his belief that if he was truly open about what he felt and thought then Christina would dominate the relationship. Jeremy had never been the most emotionally articulate person, and when he communicated feelings, they often came out garbled and contradictory. Jeremy didn't think his feelings through often, but tended to act more on instinct. So, whenever a discussion about problems or issues in the relationship came up, Christina would always end up winning the argument and making him look like he was being unreasonable or secretive, and invariably he would have to give into her way of thinking. In the end, Jeremy felt the only way to keep control of the situation was to not to talk at all. Of course, this just reinforced Christina's feelings of insecurity and suspicion, which led to her scrutinizing more and more of his behaviour. Christina and Jeremy were in trust deadlock.
How to rebuild trust
The first step was for Christina to emotionally accept what the real problem was. As long as Christina perceived lack of commitment as the problem then there would be no real progress. Once this insight penetrated, it was like a light bulb switching on. A new path way was open. Christina stopped trying to gain conformation of his feelings for her, and began to work at gaining Jeremy's trust. This wasn't a case of Christina pandering to his every whim. There was no doubt that many times Jeremy could be blocking communication because he was being selfish and simply wanted the relationship to fit around his needs. If Jeremy cancelled a dinner date at the last moment, Christina stopped wondering whether he was about to break up, and started observing how whenever Jeremy was depressed or stressed about work, he would emotionally withdraw into his cave. She started talking to him more about work and what was going on. She gave advice and well rounded perspectives on things he could do. Sometimes he wouldn't respond, but more and more, she could see that Jeremy was taking her advice on board. Christina stopped looking for immediate reactions, and started to see how Jeremy would go away and think about things, and then weeks later relate back to things she had said previously.
After a number of months there was a tangible feeling of trust re-emerging in the relationship. It wasn't a trust based on lots of "I love yous" or Christina simply doing whatever Jeremy wanted. The emergence of trust was based on energetic shift away from insecurity into confidence. Both Christina and Jeremy were able to let go of the power games which were undermining real communication in the relationship and focus on the real issues of day to day life that brought them together as real friends. When we focus on whether our partner is 'in love' with us, we often loose sight of what really constitutes a working and healthy relationship. When we are insecure, it is easy to believe that we are constantly focussed on how the other person feels, making us feel that we are a victim to the other person, and that we are constantly giving and never getting anything back. In reality what we are really focussing in on is our own feelings and ego fears. When we break out of this ego/insecure pattern, we are able to really listen and respond to other person's feeling. When we feel heard and understood then we are able to build a real foundation of trust.
